As the dust from the recent election continues to settle, let us step back a moment and consider the historic changes we could have brought to this great country. We could have given young boys the aspiration to be gladiators and changed the definition of fish to “practically a vegetable.” We could have sent the message to the rest of the world that ‘merica is the only country that matters.
In the end, however, we failed. Ron Swanson, wherever you are at this moment, know that we believed in you. No one could run this country better than someone who doesn’t even want to. Your dream of a Chuck E. Cheese government will not end here. We will wait four more years for your time to come with pockets full of tokens savoring the meat that falls out of our moustaches. To keep the cause fresh in the minds of the masses, here are some t-shirts to remember the glory days.
1. Turf and Turf because nothing goes better with steak than steak and nothing goes better with a presidency than meat sweats.
2. Vote for Ron Swanson, because even if he loses he will not be disappointed. He will be awesome without any help from you either way. Win or lose he will still be Ron Swanson.
3. Our next president should be a man who can wear a bib without a trace of shame while displaying his personal meat journal. Our next president should be the type of man who is not ashamed to catalog the best food of all time.
4. He is Ron F****ing Swanson. It is about time the F word is used in the white house, and on kid tees to boot!
5. “You had me at meet tornado” is one of the best lines of all time.
Ron Swanson is relieved that he does not have to start explaining to the government that it cannot be trusted. Then again Ron Swanson does not even trust his iPod. We would have been more than willing to drop in a token to cast our votes for Ron Swanson, but rest easy Hallmark – your birthday card money is safe for another four years.