The care and feeding of a new human is an amazing, beautiful, disgusting, and at times completely impossible task. The babies in photos are always posing in a crater on the moon – peacefully sound asleep. The babies in photos have lovable soft cheeks and bright happy smiles. Blissful new parents do not learn until well after the point of no return as to what they have actually gotten themselves into.
They are trapped as soon as the door latches behind them. All communications will have unearthly shrieks and wails in the background from now on. To see them out in public is to look a prisoner of war in the eye. They might still be wearing the same clothes as they were the day before the baby came. They will wobble when they walk and startle at any loud noise. The day time sun will blind them.
They are in the throes of a challenge that will encompass the rest of their lives: they are teaching a wild animal to act human. They are raising a child.
The best way to extract the amount of sympathy needed to cut to the front of the grocery store line without having to cart around a baby and his tiny accessories is to display your new job proudly. Start with some of these delightfully irreverent parent t-shirts.
1. Just hold your breath, change the diaper, and remember to collect more coins in the bonus level next time around.
New Dad – Game Over
2. This is a reminder where you came from. A billion years of evolution have left you pushing something around that has two perfectly working legs.
Parenting Evolution
3. Nothing reaffirms to the ladies that this baby is all that remains of the relationship quite like a “Baby Daddy” tee shirt.
Baby Daddy
4. Sleep is a privilege and not a right. Remember that and you’ll be fine.
Sleep Is For The Weak
